I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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