textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
