Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
