Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
