Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
