Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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