I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
