This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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