He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
