I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
