my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
