Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
