I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She announced her abortion via fbk
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
