I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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