He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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