If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
