Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
