Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she smelled like a LAN party
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
