Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
