you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
