i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
