My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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