i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
