Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
