why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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