I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
