i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
