I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
