Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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