I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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