quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
