I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
