he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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