My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
