This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
