he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
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We don't watch enough power rangers
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.