well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!