Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
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I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him