My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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