He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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