He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
