guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
