I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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