I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
