Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
