I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
