Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
