you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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