I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
