Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
