No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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