Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
