Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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