You made me cry and you don't even care
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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