Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids