Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?