i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!