so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
