It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
