1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is the high leading the old right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
