i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
