I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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