If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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